Oh my goodness.

Is this my blog?
How time changes.

Dark into light.

I feel like I might be a little bit optimistic.

I feel like I might be a little bit happy.

REALLY?

I have things to look forward to.

I'm such a jinx though; I am a little bit scared that all the good things will disappear. Again. Then again, don't I deserve these good things? From time to time? I think so. Maybe. A little bit.

I over-think and therefore, overcomplicate everything.

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so". - Hamlet (Act II, Scene II).

SO. I'm not. I give up! (For a bit. Like. A week?) Someone else make the decisions. You! There! You make my decisions for me. I'll just follow you. Whatever you say. That's a bit like life anyway, isn't it?

I'm fed up of being a mess.

One of those phrases from my late teenage/uni days which has always made me think was "fill your boots". A common, fairly obnoxious thing to say. However, it was always something that I felt that I SHOULD be doing. I mean, come on. "Sort your life out Coleman". How many times did I hear that? Surely I should have learned to look after myself several years ago. Protect your heart, trust no one, depend only upon yourself.

I just LOVE trusting people though. I love letting people in, only to get stabbed in the face by my own rage. Why can't I pull myself together? These days I am such a wallower. Misery loves its own company in my opinion.

FUCK. I'm wallowing right now, whilst I type this. That insurmountable pressure is always so present right now. I wait for some word, some SIGN because I'm too afraid to do anything myself. I make a list (as always) only to rip it up. I never used to rip them up. I think I'm getting worse.

I miss you. I love you. Empty.

Oh dear.

People assume that because you do not work in a job which is relevant to what you class as your personal "expertise" that either you don't have two brain cells to rub together, or that you are lazy, or that you have no confidence in your own abilities. I think those three pretty much sum up most people in this economic climate. Is today the day when things will change? Can people afford to take the risk and jump in feet first without bearing in mind what the consequences might be?

Employments risks in 2011 seems worse than ever. Redundancy, job shortages, you name it, you'll know someone who has experienced these problems. I myself recently almost lost my job and it fills you with this uncertain fear. You might not like your job, but is there anything else you could do right now? I know that I most certainly do not have much faith in myself. I struggle to compensate for my own lack of enthusiasm about my future, let alone to try and be enthusiastic to yet another person who asks me what I'm going to do with my degree(s).

How many people do I know who actually work in a field of interest which their degree was in? 3. Perhaps 4. Out of so many people that I know of who went to university in the past couple of years, maybe 5% have a job they want to do for the foreseeable future. That is a sad and alarming statistic. Those days of "finish one job on a Friday, start a new one on the following Monday" have existed for years. The state of the economy and its impacts upon the "average" person have become so detrimental that people face poverty in more ways than one.


Yet, you go to a city centre on a Saturday and the place is full of people with money to burn. This is something that I cannot come to terms with in my own head. The rich most certainly haven't particularly lost anything, although reading in the newspaper the other day about Adele being taxed 4 million pounds makes one widen one's eyes. So where exactly will this 4 million pounds of a taxpayers money go? Where does the billions of pounds that we pay in tax go? Somewhere to line someone's pockets? This isn't a third world country; that shouldn't be happening. It shouldn't happen there either. Bribery and forgery. Yada yada yada. It's old news now isn't it? No. It isn't. It's disgusting and people should feel demoralised in the fact that we live in a society where it is better to step over someone to get where you want, rather than to even step on them.

I think that the prospect of September looming towards me like a big monster has made me think twice about the job market and about a career. I still have no idea what I want to do and I am getting sick of being asked. However, in this climate, can I refuse any work? Does this mean I would have to sacrifice some dreams, just so that maybe I have to stay in Stoke longer? Is travelling really an option? You're meant to be able to do anything that you want, but how can you?

The M word.

So Kate and William did it. My best friend did it last year.

Marriage. Matrimony. The declaration to another that you will love them forever. Pretty much.

I watched the Royal wedding. It was without a doubt spectacular; as it should be. However, what about people who invite the Prince of Monaco, but he's too busy to attend? Are weddings all about who you invite? Are they about just the two of you, enjoying your moment in the sun? Are couples buying into an image when they get married? Are they hoping that there will be a couture dress and an 18-tiered cake in it for them? I think the sanctity of marriage has been lost in some cases. Divorce is common, as are affairs. There's also these dramatically long engagements, spanning years, decades, whatever. My own humble opinion is that engagement is the precursor to marriage, not the place you wait forever to never be asked again if you want to be wed.

I have stated frequently that I don't think I will ever get married. I can not see myself walking down the aisle, or signing the big book with the fancy pen. However, after watching THE wedding, I sort of changed my mind. I mean, I'm not a royalist in any shape or form. When I watched them, however, I could sort of see myself, mirrored in the nerves, in the coyness, in the laughter and the little comments. The actual intimacy, although it appeared to be lost, was actually there in parts and I liked it.

I may never marry a prince, there aren't that many going spare these days, but what if there is someone who would meet me at the end of the alter? Someone who was like me; who could see the point in it all. Who wanted to declare something personal, to me, no one else, apart from those who would be eavesdropping from the pews. Perhaps romance isn't really dead. Perhaps there is someone else who thought romance was dead. Then they decide to think again. Is there someone from everyone? I have seen people fall in love, as we all have and I have seen it break down. I have been a part of that breakdown. I've fallen in love and out of it and been pushed out of it too. When is the time when you decide that it's okay to get hurt. It's okay to put yourself out there. Make a fool of yourself. I do not do that willingly.

Perhaps it actually lingers where you least expect it. Romance. Love. Whatever. Maybe I'll find it. Maybe. Maybe I did and it's gone now. Who knows really.

Birthday DOOOOOOOOOOM.

Time for a quick, cheeky blog.

SO, I am turning the biggish 22 on Sunday. Time for a small reflection on recent and less recent days of my life. In a generalised way.

So, on the 3rd April, 1989. I was born. 21 and a bit years and here I am now. Writing to you. It's been a funny old life thus far. Just as everyone's life is full of light and dark. Each person's darkness plummets to different levels. As does their light. As it refracts around your personality, your achievements, your soul, it makes you believe that getting older is OKAY. I mean, we don't have a choice. I believe our paths are already laid out for us to tread. The broken glass and painful cobbles are put there to test us all. It can't all be grass and rainbows you know. I like the variation though. I like the feeling of a vicious mood, almost as much as I like not having a care in the world.

Everyone always says, "Oh you are SO young" and all of those kinds of things, but I feel I have somewhat of an older head on my shoulders and not in some sick, sodomising kind of way. Growing up with responsibility and fewer aspirations makes a person think long before they have to. I'm glad that I decided to slow down my thinking. NOT. I need to step it up. Always needing to step up.

So, as I age, as we all do, there are a few things on mind. Prospects, careers, friends, relationships, the time space continuum. All very important factors in one's life. I never understand how one tiny mind can have so much whirring around inside of it. Like a small model of merry-go-round. Round and round. The same thoughts; the same horses.

Happy birthday me. Here's to the next twenty-two years and twenty-two million thoughts.

Impractical boundaries.

Feeling very contemplative in the face of another Sunday of cold cups of tea and mountains of books.

I got to thinking about boundaries; specifically the impractical kind. When you know what you want, but those walls get built up between you and that thing that you want. How can you deal with this in the face of adversity? Do you just turn around, metaphorically, and go home, trying to reconcile yourself with the fact that perhaps, this isn't going to work out how you planned? All those hours you spent pondering how GREAT it could really be. Then you come to a realisation that a) you don't live in a dream world i.e. inside your own head because that is mental and b) life is fucking unfair. Making those lists makes you put things into something we all like to call "perspective". In fact, perspective is a massive lie. I know this because I don't have any perspective.

I have selfishness and awkwardness and tweeness and a handful of broken thoughts.

Is there a way of overcoming such boundaries? Well, sacrifice is one thing. Sacrificing your happiness and someone else's happiness. Throwing comfort out of the window for the long haul. If you put aside your own happiness for the short-term, does this make you happier in the long-term? I don't think so. I actually think that maybe it COULD, but human nature is so passive and full of what-ifs, that nobody is really happy.(?).

However, so you're in this place where you've realised (list) that a) you haven't got what you want, so that can't make you happy, b)you're miserable because you haven't got what you want and have decided that it's "for the best" for it to be this way and c)you're miserable because you're making another list. Perhaps I just enjoy lists and also, being miserable. Maybe I don't want to "cheer up". Stop hanging a fucking smile on an empty thought.

The impracticality of life is in stark contrast to how we are "supposed" to feel. We (I apologise for using "we" if you don't really feel like this. I do love to generalise) are "supposed" to be optimistic when all "we" do is get knocked back again. and again. and aga... you know where I'm going.

I suggest that when you want something you can't have, that it is best to just not give up. You're going to be miserable either way. So why not have a little hope, whilst you can?