Birthday DOOOOOOOOOOM.

Time for a quick, cheeky blog.

SO, I am turning the biggish 22 on Sunday. Time for a small reflection on recent and less recent days of my life. In a generalised way.

So, on the 3rd April, 1989. I was born. 21 and a bit years and here I am now. Writing to you. It's been a funny old life thus far. Just as everyone's life is full of light and dark. Each person's darkness plummets to different levels. As does their light. As it refracts around your personality, your achievements, your soul, it makes you believe that getting older is OKAY. I mean, we don't have a choice. I believe our paths are already laid out for us to tread. The broken glass and painful cobbles are put there to test us all. It can't all be grass and rainbows you know. I like the variation though. I like the feeling of a vicious mood, almost as much as I like not having a care in the world.

Everyone always says, "Oh you are SO young" and all of those kinds of things, but I feel I have somewhat of an older head on my shoulders and not in some sick, sodomising kind of way. Growing up with responsibility and fewer aspirations makes a person think long before they have to. I'm glad that I decided to slow down my thinking. NOT. I need to step it up. Always needing to step up.

So, as I age, as we all do, there are a few things on mind. Prospects, careers, friends, relationships, the time space continuum. All very important factors in one's life. I never understand how one tiny mind can have so much whirring around inside of it. Like a small model of merry-go-round. Round and round. The same thoughts; the same horses.

Happy birthday me. Here's to the next twenty-two years and twenty-two million thoughts.

Impractical boundaries.

Feeling very contemplative in the face of another Sunday of cold cups of tea and mountains of books.

I got to thinking about boundaries; specifically the impractical kind. When you know what you want, but those walls get built up between you and that thing that you want. How can you deal with this in the face of adversity? Do you just turn around, metaphorically, and go home, trying to reconcile yourself with the fact that perhaps, this isn't going to work out how you planned? All those hours you spent pondering how GREAT it could really be. Then you come to a realisation that a) you don't live in a dream world i.e. inside your own head because that is mental and b) life is fucking unfair. Making those lists makes you put things into something we all like to call "perspective". In fact, perspective is a massive lie. I know this because I don't have any perspective.

I have selfishness and awkwardness and tweeness and a handful of broken thoughts.

Is there a way of overcoming such boundaries? Well, sacrifice is one thing. Sacrificing your happiness and someone else's happiness. Throwing comfort out of the window for the long haul. If you put aside your own happiness for the short-term, does this make you happier in the long-term? I don't think so. I actually think that maybe it COULD, but human nature is so passive and full of what-ifs, that nobody is really happy.(?).

However, so you're in this place where you've realised (list) that a) you haven't got what you want, so that can't make you happy, b)you're miserable because you haven't got what you want and have decided that it's "for the best" for it to be this way and c)you're miserable because you're making another list. Perhaps I just enjoy lists and also, being miserable. Maybe I don't want to "cheer up". Stop hanging a fucking smile on an empty thought.

The impracticality of life is in stark contrast to how we are "supposed" to feel. We (I apologise for using "we" if you don't really feel like this. I do love to generalise) are "supposed" to be optimistic when all "we" do is get knocked back again. and again. and aga... you know where I'm going.

I suggest that when you want something you can't have, that it is best to just not give up. You're going to be miserable either way. So why not have a little hope, whilst you can?